I don’t really know why I leave this message.

I really feel very bad this period. I did many mistakes in the past and damn it I can’t change what I did. I hurt some people esspecially a woman because I prefered to crawl into my hole instead of facing the reality when I should. The worst part is that this is my turn. Now I get hurt and punished for the pain I spread. I will be reasonable: I didn’t got a chances to fix what I did and show that I have changed but do I deserve a second chance? I guess that those who judge me now by the side of the victim don’t believe that I do and only their word matters. All I know is that I prefered to have a «good life» than to be with the person I love and without love all are meaningless and pointless. Right now I really feel very bad. Development and my server was always my little selter. I was working to something that was giving and still does, joy and fun time to a big range of people. This is making me feel good. This is the only think I know to do. Making and managing a server. But this cold thing is giving joy to them and a meaning to me. I don’t plan to close my server or something. This is not a goodbye message. I just want to express my feelings. Some people don’t understand me. Some of them thing that I do have that server because I am a no-lifer, rich to have «power» or make money by secret donations. I make 450 euro per month and I hold a server that costs arround 240 euro per month. But this thing is giving to me joy because it gives joy to people. I don’t want to complain to the people that critisize me as Admin. They should have some reason to say what they say but I am not their enemy. Enemy is only our ego. We create the enemies in a desparate attempt to blame others for our mistakes or give meaning to our miserable lifes. Yes I am a no-lifer. I don’t have life. I just work, eat, make shit and sometimes have some creativity explosions. I used and I still do write poetry for Her. This is the only door I left open. I know I speak a lot about her in this post but it doesn’t matter anymore. All I know is that I will continue to be with her thought in my heart and try to feel the warm of her eyes. Just to remember, you whoever read this long post: It doesn’t matter what you think it makes you feel good. There is only one cure for all. Love. Keep having love in your life and life will be good. Don’t sacrifise love for something that looks more precious. Nothing is more precious than love because love is limitless. There is no little or lot of love.

The past one month I was taken out of the darkness other’s choosed for me and I thought they was right. I can’t feel my ego anymore. I can’t feel hate for anyone even those who hurt me in the past and now. I can’t be hurt because I don’t exist and I don’t belong anywhere. Now I am closed to the Light than ever. I feel more complete existence and the only thing is missing is a way to show my love. I could be something else, cashier on a bank, cooker or taxi driver. But I am here where I am and my right moves and my big mistakes took my steps where I am now.

This is not a depressed post or a desperate attempt to change the minds of those I hurt because they don’t know the existence of this blog and won’t read it ever. I just wanted to write some meaningless crap. I just carry a lot of shit inside me and if I explode you all will be covered with those shit.

Have love, Nekys